You have probably heard that Penny, the 51-year-old elephant at the KC Zoo, has passed away. She was something else. Very much marching to her own drummer. I met her briefly when we did a zoo special. One of my jobs involved the elephants and a shovel. Not unlike what I do on a daily basis, when you come right down to it. I chatted with Penny as I worked.
Yes, our conversation was severely truncated…trunk-ated. But, that years-ago visit reminds me of other mammoth memories.
KING TUSK! One year, when the Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey circus was in town, the big star was a BIG star: King Tusk. He was nearly 15,000 pounds and over 12 feet tall. True to his name, he had two long…six and seven foot…tusks. My oldest brother, Randy, loves sweet corn so much we call him King Husk. However, he has never been featured, so far as we know, by the Greatest Show On Earth. There was a travelling carnival that came through town once that wanted to put Randy on display as “The Amazing Randu: The World’s Hairiest Man Eating The Most Sweet Corn In One Breath!!!!” Nothing came of it, however, when the sign painter passed out from the paint fumes before being able to finish the title card.
King Tusk was the focus of my story for the evening news. After giving all the important stats, the exciting climax of the tale involved my taking a seat on the tusks and being lifted skyward. Frankly, the royal giant looked a little bored with this shtick. Clearly, at every stop, he had to elevate some local TV loser like me. But, as the rider, I can attest it was an interesting experience. One false move and I could have been moved to the soprano section in the church choir. But, King Tusk was gentle with me and I made it through the ups and downs of that particular assignment with my pants, if not my limited dignity, in tact.
POOP HEADS! One man’s art is another man’s, uh, elephant dung. I did a story about one of the elephant-keepers at the KC Zoo, a number of years back, who just plain stepped in some future artistic expression while cleaning up after his large-eared friends. He decided to use the exotic meadow muffins left behind the behinds in some new and fascinating ways. After allowing adequate drying time, he would paint faces on the pachyderm piles and, then, market them. He used a different name than “Poop Heads.” So, while I apologize if you are offended by the title of this subsection, rest assured it could have been much worse.
For example: Caca Countenances. Face Feces. Facial Fertilizer. Droppings Displays. Manure Masks. Expressive Excrement. Not to mention a few that aren’t suitable for this family friendly fodder. Also, I hope you weren’t standing downwind while reading this part of the e-rticle.
I don’t do hardly any feature stories for the news anymore. They have real reporters, now. The stuff I did was quite often silly and a little off-the-wall. The features often didn’t have any redeeming value other than to provide a smile or two. In today’s news climate, that kind of thing is not a priority, I guess. But, back when I was regular contributor and a story like this one came along…Elephant Pile Profiles…I was the go-to guy…the first person the producers and news director thought of as “perfect” to tell the tale! I wonder why?
BABS ON THE LOOSE! My final mammoth memory has nothing to do with a news story. It comes from my childhood. Once we had a little circus, Carson and Barnes, come to town and set up shop in the grade school playing field. Among the things to see, was a seemingly placid pachy. After spending the day helping put up the tent, this six-ton leathery lady, named Barbara, decided to take in the sights of Sauk-Prairie, Wisconsin. Barb ended up at Maplewood Nursing Home and made her way inside.
Nobody, including Barbara, was hurt but I can imagine some of the quizzical looks at the nurse’s station when residents reported an elephant on the move. Certainly, types and levels of medication were quickly checked. Eventually, the authorities…meaning some embarrassed circus folks and nervous police officers…arrived and calmed the situation. It was an event nobody in my town will ever forget. There is still a sign in that hallway of Maplewood that says “CAUTION: ELEPHANT X-CROSSING.”
I have a soft spot for elephants due in part to all of these encounters and because as I get older, I am getting larger, grayer and tend to snort more often than before. Also, one of the first jokes I ever remember hearing and stealing was this:
What’s the difference between an elephant and banana?
Have you ever tried to peel an elephant?
